How Journaling Became My Lifeline During Residency
Residency. The word itself conjures images of grueling hours, intense learning, and immense personal growth. For many, it’s a transformative period, a crucible that forges competent and compassionate physicians. For me, it was also a battleground, a time when journaling became an indispensable tool for survival and healing.
Date:
My journey through residency wasn’t just about mastering medicine; it was about navigating a challenging environment that tested my resilience in ways I never anticipated.
The Unseen Battles:
- Bullying and Sham Peer Review: Early in my residency, I encountered a pervasive culture of bullying. This wasn’t just tough love; it was targeted, often public, and deeply undermining. On top of that, I experienced instances of what I can only describe as “sham peer review”—situations where legitimate concerns were twisted or fabricated to silence and discredit, rather than genuinely assess performance.
- The Agony of Being Gaslit: Reporting these issues only compounded the trauma. Instead of support, I was met with denial, minimization, and outright dismissal. My experiences were questioned, my perceptions invalidated, and I was made to feel as though I was the problem, not the system. This gaslighting was incredibly isolating and disorienting, eroding my trust and sense of reality.
- The Unique Weight of Identity: As a female and a minority, I also navigated an additional layer of complexity. There were moments when I felt my voice was not heard, my contributions were not valued, and my experiences were not believed in the same way as my non-minority or male counterparts. The feeling of being “underrepresented” was not just statistical; it was a lived experience that amplified the isolation.
The Silent Toll on Mental Health:
The relentless pressure, coupled with the emotional abuse, began to take a significant toll on my mental health. Sleep offered little reprieve. Anxiety became a constant companion, and the joy I once found in medicine started to wane, replaced by dread. I was on a dangerous path toward succumbing to the overwhelming stress and emotional burden.
Finding My Anchors: Therapy, Art, and the Power of the Pen:
Recognizing I couldn’t navigate this alone, I sought help.
- Therapy: Regular therapy sessions provided a safe, confidential space to process the trauma, develop coping mechanisms, and regain a sense of self-worth that the residency environment had tried to strip away. It was a crucial step in validating my experiences and understanding that I was not at fault.
- Art as Expression: Beyond traditional talk therapy, I turned to art. Whether it was sketching, painting, or simply doodling, the act of creation offered a non-verbal outlet for the intense emotions swirling within me. It was a way to externalize the internal chaos and find moments of peace and control.
- The Unfiltered Page: Journaling: But perhaps the most consistent and accessible tool was journaling. My journal became my sanctuary. It was the one place where I could record everything without fear of judgment, gaslighting, or repercussions. I wrote about the injustice, the frustration, the pain, and even the fleeting moments of hope. It allowed me to:
- Process Emotions: Get overwhelming feelings out of my head and onto the page.
- Identify Patterns: Recognize recurring instances of mistreatment and understand the dynamics at play.
- Maintain Sanity: Ground myself in my own reality when others tried to distort it.
- Track Progress: See my own resilience building over time.
- Preserve My Voice: Ensure that no matter how much I was silenced externally, my internal voice remained strong and clear.
Journaling wasn’t just about venting; it was about documentation, reflection, and ultimately, healing. It helped me avoid succumbing to the pervasive illness that the residency environment tried to inflict upon my spirit. It reminded me of my strength, my purpose, and my intrinsic value, regardless of the challenges I faced.
My hope in sharing this is to shed light on the unseen struggles within medical training and to encourage anyone facing similar challenges to seek support. Your well-being is paramount.
Resources for Support:
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, please reach out. You are not alone.
- NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): Provides advocacy, education, support, and public awareness so that all individuals and families affected by mental illness can build better lives. Visit their website at NAMI.
org - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: A free, confidential crisis hotline available 24/7 in the U.S. Connect with compassionate and trained counselors for support in mental health, substance use, or suicidal crises. You can call or text 988.